A Compassionate Behavioral Approach to Addressing Grief
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| Title: | A Compassionate Behavioral Approach to Addressing Grief |
|---|---|
| Language: | English |
| Authors: | Reva Mathieu, Shane Spiker |
| Source: | Communique. 2026 54(7):12-16. |
| Availability: | National Association of School Psychologists. 4340 East West Highway Suite 402, Bethesda, MD 20814. Tel: 301-657-0270; Fax: 301-657-0275; e-mail: publications@naspweb.org; Web site: http://www.nasponline.org/publications/ |
| Peer Reviewed: | N |
| Page Count: | 5 |
| Publication Date: | 2026 |
| Document Type: | Journal Articles Reports - Descriptive |
| Descriptors: | Grief, Student Behavior, Teacher Student Relationship, School Psychologists, School Psychology, Counselor Client Relationship |
| ISSN: | 0164-775X |
| Abstract: | Grief is a natural part of students' lives, and its impact can manifest in their behavior, engagement, and relationships at school. Using a behavioral perspective and practical strategies such as acceptance and commitment training, educators can understand such changes as meaningful responses to loss rather than problems to be fixed. This article extends the behavioral framework through acceptance and commitment training (ACTr). ACTr provides action-based, nonclinical strategies that support individuals experiencing grief by enhancing psychological flexibility. This includes the ability to remain present, engage in valued actions, and respond adaptively in the presence of painful thoughts and emotions. Rather than seeking to eliminate grief-related behaviors, ACTr strategies help students make room for grief while continuing to participate in learning and relationships in ways that align with their values. |
| Abstractor: | ERIC |
| Entry Date: | 2026 |
| Access URL: | https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/cq-archive |
| Accession Number: | EJ1505681 |
| Database: | ERIC |
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| FullText | Links: – Type: pdflink Url: https://content.ebscohost.com/cds/retrieve?content=AQICAHj0k_4E0hTGH8RJwT4gCJyBsGNe_WN95AvKlDbXJGqwxwEFDvWYe5H9JXkLpqeCih1rAAAA4zCB4AYJKoZIhvcNAQcGoIHSMIHPAgEAMIHJBgkqhkiG9w0BBwEwHgYJYIZIAWUDBAEuMBEEDOpks3unGJSJFMqCvQIBEICBm1_4Yan0ggU-7wPaBPP8XVbEOR5DWPnj-ZtGbBDYrGj4unienWBrufd8_wW8Xf3C3xcEU9Z1f2Q96DQBUuWq3h4kDSyuNloZfCUE1pFtT040SVtMQBAppwkRlXtr41y9qWvonbjEOGYLPNUmwA5mRUmQv05YnWtV5EkcmzZsquqOJz8abWtdnwvspAJmHyyHkpThpIZ_6wnC5GYU Text: Availability: 1 Value: <anid>AN0193016194;[10uj]01may.26;2026Apr17.06:26;v2.2.500</anid> <title id="AN0193016194-1">A Compassionate Behavioral Approach to Addressing Grief </title> <p>Graph</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-2">Grief is a natural part of students' lives, and its impact can manifest in their behavior, engagement, and relationships at school. Using a behavioral perspective and practical strategies such as acceptance and commitment training, educators can understand such changes as meaningful responses to loss rather than problems to be fixed.</hd> <hd id="AN0193016194-3">A behavioral perspective on grief provides a lens for understanding it as a pattern of observable actions shaped by learning history, context, and ongoing environmental contingencies, rather than as a set of internal stages or symptoms to be treated. Recognizing these behaviors as meaningful responses to loss, rather than signs of defiance or dysfunction, enables school psychologists to guide educators, staff, and caregivers in responding with greater compassion and understanding.</hd> <p> <bold>grief is a universal human experience</bold>, for adults and children alike. The [<reflink idref="bib1" id="ref1">1</reflink>] found that 87% of classroom educators reported having at least one student each school year who had experienced the loss of a loved one. At school, grief may manifest through changes in attendance, engagement, emotional responding, peer interactions, and academic performance. It can be misunderstood, pathologized, or only addressed after behaviors escalate. However, a behavioral perspective on grief provides a lens for understanding it as a pattern of observable actions shaped by learning history, context, and ongoing environmental contingencies ([<reflink idref="bib2" id="ref2">2</reflink>]; [<reflink idref="bib3" id="ref3">3</reflink>]), rather than as a set of internal stages or symptoms to be treated. Recognizing these behaviors as meaningful responses to loss, rather than signs of defiance or dysfunction, enables school psychologists to guide educators, staff, and caregivers in responding with greater compassion and understanding.</p> <p>This article extends the behavioral framework through acceptance and commitment training (ACTr). ACTr provides action-based, nonclinical strategies that support individuals experiencing grief by enhancing psychological flexibility. This includes the ability to remain present, engage in valued actions, and respond adaptively in the presence of painful thoughts and emotions (Tarbox et al., 2022). Rather than seeking to eliminate grief-related behaviors, ACTr strategies help students make room for grief while continuing to participate in learning and relationships in ways that align with their values.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-4">Behavioral Definitions of Grief</hd> <p>From a behavioral perspective, grief is a feeling experienced by the griever. While mentalistic behaviorists have historically denied the relevance of thoughts and feelings, radical behaviorism offers a more balanced perspective by acknowledging private events (i.e., thoughts and feelings) while recognizing that only the individual experiencing them has direct access to their internal forms and function ([<reflink idref="bib8" id="ref4">8</reflink>]). From this standpoint, grief can be understood as a set of individualized, private events that warrant examination rather than avoidance.</p> <p>Additionally, as part of this definition, grief can also include overt and observable connected behaviors that others can see, including things like physical symptoms (e.g., insomnia, weight loss, decreased cognitive capacity). Although grief is sometimes contextualized as a phase to move through or move past, grief may serve adaptive, biologically rooted functions, such as withdrawal from aversive or unpleasant circumstances.</p> <p>It is helpful to ground this discussion of grief in specific behavioral processes that school psychologists and educators already recognize. When viewed behaviorally, grief is not a single response but a collection of learned, context-dependent behaviors that may shift over time, across environments, and across interactions with different people. This framing allows professionals to move beyond labeling behaviors as "concerning" or "problematic" and instead ask more useful questions about how the behavior is serving the student in the context of loss.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-5">Behavior-Based Contributions to Understanding Grief</hd> <p>When an individual suffers a loss, observable behavioral changes often emerge, including withdrawal, agitation, changes in sleep or appetite, and disruptions in social engagement. These changes can also include private thoughts such as perseverating on the person or event, self-blame or bargaining about the loss, or complex self-talk that can add further distress to the person.</p> <p>[<reflink idref="bib2" id="ref5">2</reflink>] provided one of the earliest behavioral analyses of grief, suggesting that the death of a loved one removes significant reinforcement sources and produces extinction bursts, such as searching for the deceased or heightened agitation, followed by gradual declines in behavior as new contingencies take hold. In this perspective, grief is not viewed as pathological but as a natural consequence of disrupted reinforcement schedules, which will evolve over time based on changing environmental contingencies.</p> <p>Traditional theories of grief conceptualized bereavement as a sequence of stages. While these models brought structure to the understanding of grief, they often implied a rigid progression. Brasted and Callahan's ([<reflink idref="bib2" id="ref6">2</reflink>]) model provided an alternative. For example, conditioned emotional responses to reminders of the deceased help explain why individuals may continue to set a place at the table or reach for the phone even after the loss has been cognitively acknowledged. This lag between environmental change, behavioral adjustment, and neurological adaptation contributes to the disorienting quality of grief.</p> <p>More recently, contextual behavioral approaches, particularly acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), have begun to inform interventions for grief. ACT builds on behavioral principles while incorporating acceptance, mindfulness, and values-based action, enabling individuals to live alongside the pain of loss while continuing to pursue meaningful activities ([<reflink idref="bib4" id="ref7">4</reflink>]).</p> <p>A growing body of evidence supports ACT as an effective framework for grief intervention ([<reflink idref="bib5" id="ref8">5</reflink>]). By promoting psychological flexibility, ACT extends early behavioral analyses and offers practical tools for adapting to loss without framing the experience of grief as a disorder.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-6">What's ACT Got to Do With It?</hd> <p>ACTr (sometimes referred to as ACT Training) is a nonclinical, contemporary behavior-analytic approach that targets verbal behavior to promote socially meaningful behavior change ([<reflink idref="bib9" id="ref9">9</reflink>]). While ACT is a clinical therapeutic model, ACTr draws on the same foundational principles and applies them outside of therapy contexts to build psychological flexibility. This includes engaging in skillful behavior in the presence of aversive experiences in the service of living a rich and meaningful life. Psychological flexibility also supports emotional regulation by helping individuals take more intentional, values-based actions.</p> <p>ACTr emphasizes that when an individual is able to increase their psychological flexibility, they are more likely to make decisions based on values and long-standing beliefs rather than immediate, short-term emotional responses. Rather than treating grief as something to be fixed or resolved, ACTr offers a set of teachable skills that help individuals notice and respond to grief-related thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with greater flexibility. Notably, ACTr can be used by school psychologists as a training framework for adults; by teaching staff how to interpret grief behaviorally and respond using psychologically flexible practices, schools can create environments that feel safer for grieving students.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-7">Actionable Strategies to Carry Grief and Loss</hd> <p>Building on this behavioral understanding of grief, school psychologists are well-positioned to introduce practical, action-oriented strategies drawn from ACTr. These strategies allow school psychologists to support students directly while also providing educators and caregivers with a shared language for understanding why grief-related behaviors occur and how to respond in ways that reduce harm and increase psychological safety.</p> <p>The ACTr strategies presented below are intentionally framed for use in educational settings, not as clinical interventions. They can be modeled, practiced, and shared with staff to support understanding of grief as a normal human experience and to encourage responses that honor both the student's emotional reality and the expectations of the school environment. Used in this way, ACTr becomes a practical bridge between behavioral insight and compassionate action, equipping school psychologists to foster classrooms and school systems that are safer and more supportive for grieving students.</p> <p>We use the term <emph>carry</emph> purposefully as a means to engage in various behaviors associated with the grief repertoire. Grief does not go away, but behavior evolves, sometimes in ways that are complex or unexpected. Grief responses are unique to the individual, their circumstances, and their individual relationships. Because of this unique complexity, ACTr may be one of the more responsive options an individual can employ in carrying their grief.</p> <p>ACTr can assist the griever in learning how to better carry the experiences and feelings related to grief, ranging from their own verbal behavior to their emotional responses and behavioral repertoires. Here, we share a few examples of how ACTr strategies can be used to help carry grief. The following sections are meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-8">Accepting Rather Than Avoiding Grief</hd> <p>According to ACTr, grief avoidance strategies can be experienced by the griever as disruptive and exhausting and can include engaging in repression of, and distraction from, distressing internal experiences. Acceptance does not mean that you have to accept a certain emotion or state as one that will last forever. Rather, acceptance allows the griever to recognize that there is an objective event and ask the question "Now what?"</p> <p>In many instances, grievers will attempt to avoid strong emotions related to the individual they have lost, whether it's feeling sad, angry, or even joyous. They will avoid places that remind them of the person, or conversations and topics where the person may be brought up. Avoidance moves the griever away from accepting that the loss has occurred.</p> <p>One strategy described in the ACT literature is related to acceptance. A grieving person can learn to accept the loss and that the emotions they are feeling are valid. Rather than pushing those emotions aside or attempting to suppress them, acceptance allows the person to fully feel said emotions or enter spaces where grief may feel more intense.</p> <p>Acceptance doesn't mean the person says, "I've lost someone I love, and that's fine." Rather, acceptance might include the grieving person struggling with intense emotions and saying something like, "I've lost someone that I care about deeply." This is a simple acceptance statement that is accurate, though it is based in an unfortunate reality. Taking it a step further, they may say, "I know I've lost this person, and I feel great sadness about it." For a younger child, this may sound like "I miss my mom and that makes me sad." Acceptance is not just about accepting the reality of the situation but also being able to be mindful and recognize that the emotions occurring are valid and present.</p> <p>School psychologists and other educators can support acceptance by creating environments where students feel safe to notice and express grief without judgment or pressure to "move on." This can include modeling simple acceptance statements, such as acknowledging that loss is difficult and that feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion are natural. For example, a teacher might say, "I know this is a hard day because you lost someone important, and it makes sense that you feel sad," or for a younger child, "I know you miss your mom; I would feel sad too." Adults can also provide structured opportunities for students to engage with their grief, such as reflective journaling or brief mindfulness exercises that help students notice and name their emotions. For younger children, visually based supports can be built into mindfulness activities to support engagement and understanding.</p> <p>Importantly, acceptance in schools does not require minimizing the loss or trying to make students feel "better" immediately. Instead, it focuses on validating emotions, normalizing the experience of grief, and helping students learn that it is okay to have difficult feelings while continuing to participate in learning and school activities. School psychologists can train staff to recognize signs that a student is struggling and provide consistent, compassionate responses that align with ACTr principles. By integrating acceptance-focused strategies across classrooms and support services, schools can foster psychological safety, reduce avoidance behaviors, and support students in gradually engaging with their grief in healthy, adaptive ways.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-9">Examining Values</hd> <p>Loss can make a person question their own belief systems, life choices, or closeness in current relationships, resulting in further distress related to the weight of grief. The ACTr framework can help support a griever as they navigate new life circumstances and priorities. For instance, the person can take time to reconnect with their values (chosen, guiding principles for how they want to live or behave) or establish new values that align with their current life.</p> <p>Generally speaking, values operate to give a person direction, meaning, or purpose. In the event of a loss, the griever may take time to reevaluate their values in this new life circumstance and even change them drastically. The person may decide that forgiveness is a new value, resulting in a new set of motivations or behaviors. They may decide that adventure is their new value, which may result in taking new risks they were previously afraid to take (e.g., traveling, taking a class, or beginning a previously avoided sport). The person may decide that their new value is honesty, given that they may feel that they weren't able to speak freely to the person they've lost. For young children, this shift may look a bit different and could include a greater need for closeness or predictability with caregivers than before ([<reflink idref="bib7" id="ref10">7</reflink>])</p> <p>Values can change and evolve over a person's lifetime, and grief may be one of the spaces where values can shift rapidly. School psychologists and educational staff can support students by creating structured opportunities for reflection through writing and discussion, using values-based activities to help students identify what matters to them, and modeling values-driven behavior in their everyday interactions. These activities and opportunities can normalize evolving values, reassure students that those changing priorities are a natural response to loss and life, and help students identify small, meaningful actions that align with their current values. Integrating these strategies into classroom routines or school-wide activities allows grieving students to maintain a sense of purpose while promoting resilience, adaptive coping, personal growth, and a sense of belonging among classmates.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-10">Self-Compassionate Mindfulness</hd> <p>Self-compassion is one of the most powerful things a person can do for themselves. It is important for the person to take steps to "give themselves a break." Their loss is difficult, and their feelings about their loss are valid. In challenging times, a person is doing the best they can, and while other people may be able to recognize that, the griever may have difficulty navigating that kind of compassion for themselves.</p> <p>One way a person can begin to address this is through self-compassionate mindfulness. This doesn't require the person to attempt to alleviate or forget their pain or sorrow. Rather, this provides the opportunity to reflect on their current state of being and observe their thoughts and emotions during this time. This is not the person saying, "How do I get better?" Instead, the person can take a moment and say, "This is how I'm feeling at this very moment, and that's ok." For a young child, this may include saying, "I did the best I could today, and that is ok."</p> <p>Recognizing one's own thoughts can be difficult and requires some practice, but observation is the first step. Once a grieving person can observe and identify their present moment and thoughts, they can begin to analyze their own language. Phrases like "I could have done more" are not necessarily helpful because they can add additional guilt or distress to the person's already raw emotional experience. By taking time to observe and identify thoughts, the person can begin to change their language from "I could have done more" to "I did the best I could, and I'm ok with that." That simple change toward self-compassion may make a world of difference.</p> <p>School psychologists and educational staff can support students in cultivating self-compassion by creating spaces where students feel safe to notice and reflect on their emotions without judgment or pressure to "fix" them. Staff can model self-compassion through their language and responses, acknowledging the difficulty of loss and validating students' feelings. Guided exercises, such as brief compassionate mindfulness activities or reflective check-ins, can help students pause and notice their current thoughts and emotions, emphasizing that it is normal to feel sadness, guilt, or confusion.</p> <p>Staff can also coach students in reframing self-critical thoughts like "I will never feel better" into more compassionate statements such as "I didn't feel better today, but I will try again tomorrow. I am doing the best I can right now, and that is ok." By providing consistent support and modeling these skills in everyday activities, school psychologists and educators can help students develop a practice of self-compassion, which reduces additional distress, fosters emotional resilience, and encourages adaptive coping in the wake of loss. ([<reflink idref="bib6" id="ref11">6</reflink>])</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-11">Diffusion Opportunities</hd> <p>When we talk about diffusion, we're referring to the opportunity to detach "truths" (or belief statements that we tell ourselves) from new realities. Once we can observe the thought that we're having, we can begin to diffuse or uncouple the thought from reality. For instance, for the thought "I'm a bad parent," diffusion would involve stopping and saying, "That's not true, and here are examples of how I'm not."</p> <p>The ability to diffuse internalized beliefs toward more objective truths can be incredibly helpful in relieving stress. For the grieving person, diffusion can be powerful in upending negative thoughts, allowing them to move forward with less distress and eventually increasing opportunities for reinforcement.</p> <p>Diffusion can even allow new relational language to develop, resulting in opportunities for reinforcement and growth. For instance, phrases like "I can't move on" or "I will never get over this" may create rules or limits on new behavior for the grieving person, implying that there aren't other options. Diffusion allows the person to say, "Things are hard right now, but I know with time it will get a little easier. I'll be able to move forward one day, and I can do that with small steps." By simply changing the phrasing and allowing for more flexibility, the person can recognize that their current feelings aren't static and that there are opportunities for new experiences.</p> <p>For young children, it may be as simple as identifying things they were able to do or complete and using those statements to show growth. This may require prompting and support from a trusted adult. For example, the adult may prompt the child through the statements or help them identify small steps to move forward and make reframing statements that are true to their experiences.</p> <p>School psychologists and educational staff can support diffusion opportunities by guiding students to notice their thoughts without judgment and by helping them reframe statements that may be overly rigid or negative. For example, a student expressing "I can't move on" can be coached to acknowledge that grief is difficult but temporary, perhaps reframing the thought as, "Things are hard right now, but with time and small steps, I can continue forward." Staff can model flexible thinking, use reflective questioning, and provide supportive feedback when students practice this skill, helping them see that current emotions and experiences are not permanent and that new opportunities and relationships are possible.</p> <p>By fostering diffusion in schools, adults help students respond to grief with greater cognitive flexibility, reduced distress, and increased capacity for adaptive coping and growth. When staff make space for emotions beyond sadness, students can begin to experience small moments of relief or connection that support healthier patterns of engagement and coping over time.</p> <hd id="AN0193016194-12">Discussion</hd> <p>Grief is a natural part of students' lives that shapes behavior, engagement, and relationships. When school psychologists and educators view grief-related behaviors as meaningful responses to loss rather than deficits or disruptions, they create space for more compassionate and effective support. A behavioral lens, paired with ACTr, offers practical, nonclinical strategies that can be shared across school communities to promote psychological flexibility and values-based actions. These approaches are intentionally simple and portable, allowing staff to respond consistently and supportively wherever grief emerges.</p> <p>While ACTr is not intended to eliminate grief, it provides students with support, understanding, and moments of relief that can help lighten the emotional load they may be experiencing after a difficult loss. Because school staff are often the first and most consistent points of contact for grieving students, equipping them with psychologically flexible practices can foster environments where students feel seen, supported, and empowered to remain connected to learning and relationships as they navigate loss.</p> <ref id="AN0193016194-13"> <title> REFERENCES </title> <blist> <bibl id="bib1" idref="ref1" type="bt">1</bibl> <bibtext> American Federation of Teachers. (2020, October 21). Educators say COVID-19 has greatly exacerbated the grief support crisis in schools, according to new survey [Press release]. https://<ulink href="http://www.aft.org/press-release/educators-say-covid-19-has-greatly-exacerbated-grief-support-crisis-schools">www.aft.org/press-release/educators-say-covid-19-has-greatly-exacerbated-grief-support-crisis-schools</ulink></bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib2" idref="ref2" type="bt">2</bibl> <bibtext> Brasted, W. S., &amp; Callahan, E. J. (1984). A behavioral analysis of the grief process. Behavior Therapy, 15 (5), 529-543. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7894(84)80054-4</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib3" idref="ref3" type="bt">3</bibl> <bibtext> Dillenburger, K., &amp; Keenan, M. (2005). Bereavement: A D.I.S.C. analysis. Behavior and Social Issues, 14 (2), 92-112. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.5210/bsi.v14i2.333</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib4" idref="ref7" type="bt">4</bibl> <bibtext> Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., &amp; Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib5" idref="ref8" type="bt">5</bibl> <bibtext> Jones, K., Methley, A., Boyle, G., Garcia, R., &amp; Vseteckova, J. (2022). A systematic review of the effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy for managing grief experienced by bereaved spouses or partners of adults who had received palliative care. Illness, Crisis &amp; Loss, 30 (4), 596-613. https://doi.org/10.1177/10541373211000175</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib6" idref="ref11" type="bt">6</bibl> <bibtext> Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2 (2), 85-102. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib7" idref="ref10" type="bt">7</bibl> <bibtext> Schonfeld, D. J., Demaria, T., Nasir, A., Kumar, S., Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, &amp; Council on Children and Disasters. (2024). Supporting the grieving child and family: Clinical report. Pediatrics, 154 (1), e2024067212. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2024-067212</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib8" idref="ref4" type="bt">8</bibl> <bibtext> Skinner, B. F. (1974). About behaviorism. Alfred A. Knopf.</bibtext> </blist> <blist> <bibl id="bib9" idref="ref9" type="bt">9</bibl> <bibtext> Tarbox, J., Szabo, T. G., &amp; Aclan, M. (2020). Acceptance and commitment training within the scope of practice of applied behavior analysis. Behavior Analysis in Practice, 13 (1), 11-32. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-020-00466-3</bibtext> </blist> </ref> <aug> <p>By Reva Mathieu and Shane Spiker</p> <p>Reported by Author; Author</p> </aug> |
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